I am often asked about defense in a vampire attack. Statistically speaking, unfortunately, the odds are against you. A vampire is far faster and stronger than you could ever hope to be. It’s probably better that you not put up too much of a fuss and just let the vamp drain the blood from your soon to be lifeless body. However, if (good for you!) you want to put up a struggle, here are some helpful tips.

One possible gambit is to see if the vampire won’t turn you into a vampire instead of draining and discarding your lifeless corpse. This is really an excellent opportunity in disguise, as you might not ordinarily be in a position to negotiatite yourself a membership in the immortal undead. If you have anything to offer the vampire and his clan (looking great in black, affinity with wolves or bats, dentistry skills) this is the time to mention it. Don’t be modest. Maybe even exaggerate, vampires rarely check references.

But if becoming a vampire isn’t for you, here are some fighting tips. (Seriously, think about becoming one of the immortal undead. They look cool and sexy, get to stay out late, and live forever or until some idiot kills them.)

Sunlight is usually fatal to vampires. If you are in a shady area, run into the sunlight. Unfortunately, the Twilight Series vampires are not adversely affected by sunlight, so this won’t work with them. If you run ito sunlight and the vampire not only follows you but also gets all sparkly you are probably doomed. If this occurs you should point into the distance and yell "Look, Bella is in danger!", which may buy you a few seconds to run.

If you have a crucifix or a cross (a crucifix has the body of Christ on it, a cross is just a cross) hold it up in front of you. If this seems to pain the vampire keep holding the cross / crucifix up and back away slowly. Some vampires are affected by a cross and others aren’t, but enough are to make this worth trying. The size of the cross does not matter. If the cross is a family heirloom or has been blessed it might help. Dracula was repelled by a crucifix, so mention that if it doesn’t seem to be working. Most vampires look up to Drac.

If you have a clove of garlic, see if that deters the vampire. You might need to get that garlic smell going, so if you carry garlic it’s probably best to also carry a garlic press.

If you have a bottle of holy water, try splashing that on the vampire. If the vampire’s skin starts to blister and peel you are on the right track. This worked for Buffy, although I think she had to make the vampire drink about a gallon of holy water before they would die.

Some vampires have OCD, and have to either stop to pick up a mess or count it. This saved Mulder on the X-Files. Throw a full bag of pretzels and run.

Try crossing a stream or river. Some vampires can’t cross moving water. I know it sounds silly, but just do it. At worst the sound of running water is sort of soothing and will drown out some of the slurping noises when the vampire is ripping your jugular vein open.

Run into a church. Many vampires can’t enter a church or just don’t like to attend service. If the vampire follows you in see if there are other people in the church. Try to get the vampire to "trade up" by pointing at the other people and say "Don’t they look way more delicious then me?".

If the cross, garlic, water, pretzels, and church haven’t worked then it’s time for the more violent stuff. With all of these methods it is best to first be certain you actually are being attacked by a vampire and aren’t panicking because you heard a "weird noise", which later turned out to be your neighbor or their dog. So, just get every one to calm down for a minute, and ask the vamp to turn into a bat or something before a simple case of mistaken identity turns into an unfortunate incident. Safety first, which most vampires will agree with.

A stake to the vampire’s heart is sure to kill him or at least slow him down. Or make him really angry. Try to shove the stake as far in as you can. Use two hands, don’t try anything fancy with a mallot unless you have practiced. The stake should be made of wood, and ideally hawthorne. Not pine, it’s too soft. Ash, maple, or oak might be ok.

Cutting off a vampire’s head pretty much always works. Hopefully you have a big knife, chainsaw, or axe with you. A big knife should have a sturdy rubber grip, because if you aren’t the first victim of the night there will be blood everywhere, and that gets slippery. A gas chainsaw is more powerful than an electric one, and it won’t have you carrying extension cords. An axe sounds like a good choice, but with the vampire bobbing and weaving it might not be as easy to get a nice hit as you would think. Point behind the vampire and say "who is that better looking vampire?" (vampires are exceedingly vain), which will get them turned around and allow you that all important clean first chop.

Finally, incinerating the vampire is usually effective. Some vampires are more flamable than others, so you might want to carry lighter fluid if you think this will be necessary. Don’t do this if you are inside your house.

Read more about vampires at SpookyFiles.com.